New genre of erotic fiction uninspiring

We all have fantasies. Some are darker, fuelled by thoughts of pale, yet undeniably handsome strangers intent on pricking you with his, er, fangs. Others are hairier, and involve teeth, claws and a good old howl beneath a full moon.
But some of us are extremists and crave something more than a commonplace werewolf or vampire fantasy. For all you kinks out there, never fear because big, dirty dinosaur porn is here! According to Amazon.com, self-published eBook authors Alara Branwen and Christie Sims broke into the top 50 most popular erotica novels this October following their creation of a shocking new genre of āliteratureā ā dinosaur erotica.
Although Fifty Shades of Grey author E.L. James still currently holds the No. 1 spot, Branwen and Sims have tidal-waved over cyber libraries with their raunchy, albeit grammatically inaccurate accounts of dinosaur-on-girl fun.
While these authors are busy rolling in dino-dough, is anyone else wondering (besides the creep at the back of the museum tour wondering what a brontosaurus neck would feel like between his thighs) where this apparent hard-on for the extinct came from?
Buckinā brontos
Ellen Smith, publisher at Carnal Passions, a subset of Champagne Books in Calgary, said that even though markets for the bizarre will always exist, books such as Taken by the T-Rex or In the Velociraptorās Nest are āgoing to peter out pretty fast.ā
āThese are not books that most legitimate publishers will publish,ā Smith said. āHuge companies like Amazon canāt read and check every single book with the amount going through the Kindle publishing platform.ā
So what happens when pages fall through the cracks? Just this past month partner publishers of Kobo Inc., the company famous for the Kobo eReader, failed to notice some rather offensive content coming through their self-publishing medium. A barrage of infuriated mothers retaliated after their children came across books with titles like Date Night with Daddy and The Teen Virgin Raped By Three Teachers At School, amongst others involving bestiality, incest and pedophilia.
Authors Branwen and Sims arenāt guilty of writing daddy-daughter eBooks, but publisher Smith said their books are ābasically about people having sex with animals,ā which is equally as distasteful.
āItās bestiality,ā Smith said. āThereās no way to make that attractive or romantic. These authors are just doing it for the titillation factor and to make a buck. I donāt know how long thatās going to last.ā
Having not considered the bestiality aspect, a sudden thought cropped up ā what would those knee-deep in dino-dung have to say about the objectification of their deeply respected subjects of study? A curious call to the Royal Tyrrell Museum in Drumheller began with a bit of awkward laughter as the topic was broached, then quickly shifted to an indignant response from their spokesperson:
āOn the behalf of the entire Royal Tyrrell Museum, you can quote that we all think itās ridiculous.ā No further comments were available.
Far-fetched fiction
Taboos aside, even the highly offended have to wonder where the appeal to write such outlandish content stems. Daddy issues? Only children? Or is it merely a matter of shock value?
In an interview with the Huffington Post, author Branwen explained why ā before her hasty admission regarding āall the money she was makingā ā dinosaur erotica popped into her pen.
āI think dinosaur erotica appeals to our more basic, carnal natures,ā Branwen said. āItās the ultimate sexual experience with an alpha male, which is something that we are all inherently wired to enjoy.ā
Local romance author Lawna Mackie said although creature sex isnāt uncommon in erotica novels, it has to be at least somewhat feasible, even in the fictional world. Without any sort of realism, that attraction or element of understanding just wonāt be there.
āIf youāre going to write something with vampires, dragons and all the rest of it, there always has to be some type of human quality to them,ā Mackie said. āIt canāt be just a full-fledged dinosaur or prehistoric creature. I donāt think I could ever write about that.ā
But even if Branwen and Sims had personified their dinosaur Don Juans, the young authors are still missing a crucial factor in their books: research. Sure, weāre only talking about 5,000 word eBooks that have not been thoroughly edited, but whether itās boggarts in broom closets or brontos in the bedroom, using Jurassic Park as a reference guide doesnāt quite cut it.
For example, picture a woman having sex with a Tyrannosaurus rex (I know, I donāt want to either, but itās necessary). Weighing in at around 15,000 pounds, thatās like gettinā it on with an African elephant on steroids, plus some razor-sharp claws and jaws.Emerging erotica trend features dino-dates with a Tyrannosaurus rex, which have been documented to weigh in at around 15,000 pounds. Hot or just plain ridiculous?
Illustration by Anna Brooks
Right, thatās a little gory. What about woman-on-bird antics? In Taken by the Pterodactyl, women mount dinosaurs with wings the size of a small airplane (you know what they say about big wingsā¦). For fear of offending any more paleontologists, we wonāt even touch on the fact that velociraptors were only about the size of a 30 pound bird, not the great, scaly fiends portrayed in the authorsā books.
Perhaps these are a few of the reasons why the majority of readers questioned on dinosaur erotica answered: āThatās the stupidest thing Iāve ever heard.ā
That being said, one brazen girl admitted (while demanding anonymity, go figure): āYes, I would read it for pleasure. Itās basically like vampire books but way better because we know dinosaurs actually existed.ā
For next time
If Branwen and Sims somehow manage to pencil their way into the Cretaceous period ā which, after dropping 32 spots on Amazonās author rank, they might not ā publisher Smith suggested they put more time into āplot development, grammar and writing mechanics.ā
āAs a publisher, we want to publish books weāre proud of putting out there, that weāre proud of having our name on,ā Smith said. āThese girls are getting their 15 minutes of fame and thatās great, but they need a more substantial plotline than āletās do the dinosaur.’ā