Not long before my last girlfriend, I was setting myself up on several dating apps with my best outfit, freshly cut hair and posing for my camera to capture the best version of me to put online in hopes of catching somebody’s eye, and hopefully someone’s heart too.
It was a daunting task at times. I remember thinking to myself, “Was that the right shirt? Am I smiling funny? Should I smile less? Should I smile more?” I never seemed satisfied with my profile, largely because I would get a match with someone that seemed interesting, only to be left on “read” after a few sentences or given no response at all.
This sounds embarrassing, I know. But that’s the reality of online dating apps, and it’s also the new norm for connecting or disconnecting, and I’m guilty of it too. But am I winning in the online dating world?
Competing for affection
Like all forms of social media, dating apps are meant to be a social experience for the user. Instagram is a space to post and share photos and videos to your friends and family, with a chance you’ll receive feedback in the form of a like or comment. Instagram can be consuming, but it’s not designed to be competitive in nature. On the other hand, dating apps are.
This article about the complexities of dating apps breaks down the harsh truth about online dating, and suggests a user’s personality or photos are “turned into a packaged product, which competes with others on the open market.” Based on the photos and descriptions you use for your profile, your “packaged product” might target a large group of matches, or maybe very few. This is what the article describes as “emotional capitalism,” where some users have a monopoly in terms of matches and attention and can often calculate their self-worth based on this merit.
With any form of competition, the objective is clear. To win. More matches mean you’re clearly ahead in the race, and few matches means you are behind, or might have to tweak your online strategy.
The reasons behind using the dating apps
I know why I first signed up for dating apps. I wasn’t necessarily looking to “win” at love. I like to meet interesting people and share an experience, and maybe a connection with someone.
I do remember a few dates I went on however, where things felt like they were going in the best direction that they could be, and then out of nowhere being completely cut off by this person I was really invested in which happened immediately out of the blue. This completely crushed my self-esteem at the time.
People are on dating apps for their own reasons.
This research article details how most women are active on dating apps to find true love, or maybe boost their self-esteem, while most men are on the apps looking for casual sex. This could end up very conflicting for interactions between dates since one person might be after something another isn’t, and could set up barriers for people considering entering the dating world again.
Social media is supposed to be a fun way to express yourself, and some might even view it as a game. The competitive nature of apps, like Tinder or Hinge, tend to make the whole process like a casino game, or at least that’s how I view it. There are the desperate times where you gamble your own personality and appearance in hopes of scoring a date for the night, or even some positive reinforcement for yourself that you are in fact a catch. Not to mention the algorithms that determine and sort potential matches by age, distance, interests, location and political views, just to name a few.
Don’t be discouraged
With 75 million active users on Tinder, I often thought that I was doing something wrong with my profile if I hadn’t gotten any matches.
Once I started viewing dating apps more like a lighthearted game that I don’t always need to win, I started to ease up a bit. I started realizing that I shouldn’t take matches too seriously, and just see where things go. I also knew, much like a game of blackjack, to not put all my chips on one bet. I learned my boundaries and I also learned to take a step back from the online world, and to not base my self-worth on my match success rate.
I think it’s important for everyone to understand that the house might win more often than not in the online dating world. It’s not worth gambling away your full attention just to see how many jackpots you can win.