It’s been a decade since I last saw my father. I was 10 years old, standing in the airport with tears filling my eyes as I watched him walk away for the last time.
I had been seeing my father every other weekend since my parents’ separation. During those visits, I remember playing with power tools in the garage, drinking pickle juice from the jar and spray painting scrap wood, all in a thick cloud of cigarette smoke. They lasted seven months until he moved to Sault Ste. Marie, Ont., and that was the last time I saw him.
Estrangement from family is on the rise. But for me and so many others, that kind of absence doesn’t disappear with space or time. It follows a child into adulthood, shaping self-worth, emotional stability and the ability to sustain relationships.
Mental health
A study by Iryna Culpin and co-authors found that a father’s absence in early childhood is linked to higher and more severe levels of depression in early adulthood. The strongest effects were found in females.
Throughout my life, I’ve had what some describe as high-functioning depression. I showered, went to school, spent time with family and I always brought home good grades. My mom would often joke that I was the one she didn’t have to worry about.
From the outside, I looked fine. In reality, I struggled with chronic fatigue, persistent sadness, low self-esteem and a very short temper. My self-worth depended almost entirely on academic success.
I still hold my breath when my university grades are released, and my stomach drops when it’s not what I expected. Every point deducted being a personal attack on my self-worth. It’s not something you ever get over. It’s something you learn to cope with.
Diminished mental health is just one long-lasting effect of parental estrangement. Difficulty maintaining relationships is another.
Relationships
Research supports what many children of estrangement already know firsthand. A 2024 study published in The Family Journal found that parental estrangement in childhood often leads to attachment difficulties, relationship avoidance and trust issues in their own romantic relationships.
Despite the loving home with my mother, two sisters and grandparents, I still constantly sought approval from men. At times, that led to dangerous and erratic behaviour that only hurt me further.
Yet these psychological consequences are often minimized with terms like “daddy issues” or “trust issues” being thrown around casually, minimizing a deeply formative experience to a stereotype.
Let’s talk daddy issues
The concept of parental estrangement in the media is often sensationalized as daddy issues or mommy issues. Many movies and shows demonstrate the consequences of these relationships through characters with erratic sex lives and dangerous relationships. While these portrayals can be true, they should not be widely accepted and desired — as they are now.
In addition, these ideas not only minimize the psychological impact of parental estrangement but also invalidate and infiltrate the topic. This results in a lack of depth and an overabundance of sensationalization, which brings awareness to the issue but is typically negative and sexualized.
For myself, the absence of my father did not simply mean missing one person, it also meant longing for connection.
“Growing up in a single-parent household can create a deep emotional void, leaving a child grappling with feelings of abandonment and longing for a connection that feels perpetually out of reach,” said Michael Langlais and his co-authors.
Not every child with an absent parent will struggle the same way, but portraying the absence as a desirable trait inherently undermines how deeply parental relationships influence development.
What now
Today, I’m in the healthiest relationship of my life, with talks of marriage, kids and a real future together. To grow up with an estranged parent does not define my life, but it has shaped it in many ways.
My experiences are not those of all kids who grew up with an absent parent, but almost all can relate to certain aspects.
I still think about my father and what the future holds for our relationship. A part of me hopes for some kind of reconciliation. The other part of me has accepted it for what it is. It’s something you can not move past. It’s something that you adapt and learn from every day.