Rediscovering roots: Exploring Indigenous identity while embracing the land

With a unique cultural background, Emily Vaka identifies as white, Indigenous and Tongan with strong Polynesian traditions. However, years of shame haunted her Indigenous heritage, keeping it down inside of her. 

“For a long time, I just didn’t really realize that I was Indigenous,” she said while on route to Kananaskis Country. 

Being born of parents with two different ethnicities, Vaka said her parents’ focus was directed at her Tongan identity. She added her mother felt shame around being Indigenous, latching onto her husband’s Polynesian heritage. 

Building on that heritage, they started a food truck operation with ethnic Polynesian foods and performed dances representing her father’s ethnic background. For them, it was a way to support their family financially. 

Vaka said Polynesian peoples and their practices are also appropriated from other backgrounds making it problematic as they are often romanticized. Still, Vaka said it felt more acceptable to identify this way.    

“People are more into Polynesian culture,” Vaka said. “It wasn’t as shameful to be brown because I was Polynesian.”

In addition, Vaka was raised a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, a traditionally white organization. Alongside the Bible, the LSD church has extra scripture that they believe to be the word of God.

According to The Book of Mormon, the Indigenous people who lived in the Americas before and during the time of Christ are said from Jerusalem. While growing up, Vaka said her religious studies discussed and explained why Indigenous peoples have brown skin . 

A passage in The Book of Mormon states that: “And he had caused the cursing to come upon them, yea, even a sore cursing, because of their iniquity. For behold, they had hardened their hearts against him, that they had become like unto a flint; wherefore, as they were white, and exceedingly fair and delightsome, that they might not be enticing unto my people the Lord God did cause a skin of blackness to come upon them.”

“It’s quite damaging if you’re a person of colour because I’m sitting there and I feel like I’m supposed to be ashamed and hide my skin because it was a curse,” said Vaka. “That’s kind of when I start to realize that it was problematic and that I did feel shame.”

Shame continued following Vaka throughout her youth and leading into adulthood. After moving to Calgary, Vaka began learning more about her Indigenous heritage during her time at Mount Royal University. 

During her first year, Vaka began taking Indigenous studies classes out of curiosity. Additionally, she took a history class with a professor who was very passionate about Indigenous rights. 

“It was one of the first times that I had experienced somebody wanting to make me feel positive about my indigenous identity,” Vaka said. “Then it was like I’ll take an intro to Indigenous studies course and all these stereotypical ideologies that I had disappeared in that class.”

Not long after, Vaka decided to minor in Indigenous studies. She said her knowledge of Indigenous people helped in transforming her identity. She said she began learning about the oppression of Indigenous peoples, something that was lacking in the lessons during her time in middle and high school. 

“It was all this internal work of trying to decolonize my mindset and allowing myself to flourish in my own Indigenous identity. Even that was complicated itself.”

Explaining the complexity of the issue, Vaka addressed a paper she had read discussing how those who look to reclaim their Indigenous identity either need to fully engulf the traditional Indigenous way of life or live a white or “normalized” way of living. 

The paper continued explaining that most people are of mixed heritage and should not be pigeonholed into existing one certain way. 

“It allowed myself to feel like I am Indigenous, I am an Indigenous woman, and the way I live is okay because I’m not going out of my way to try to oppress Indigenous peoples,” said Vaka. “I’m very much going the opposite, and I’m working really hard to amplify my own Indigenous voice.”

Feeling connected to the land has been a focal point in Vaka’s journey in reclaiming her Indigenous identity. Vaka said she often feels conflicted because she does not use the land in a traditional Indigenous way. 

When hiking, Vaka said the land is where she feels equal in society. She added it is where she stays mentally well. 

“I’ve definitely spent time contemplating what my identity is and how to fit in a world where not every space is a safe space for someone like me. What I like about the mountains, is that I’ve always felt safe there. And so in a way, I’ve contemplated my Indigenous identity.”

On a sunrise hiking trip up Ha Ling Peak in Kananaskis, Vaka reflected on what the land means to her as an Indigenous person. Ha Ling holds a significant place within Vaka. Standing on the peak of the mountain, she began to re-establish her relationship with the land in relation to her Indigenous heritage. 

“I was watching the sunrise and I was in the midst of all these mountains and then I just realized that I got to exist at the same time as all this beauty existed. Ha Ling is the mountain that made me realize that I’m small and kind of insignificant in ways, but I’m also just as important as the nature that I see.”

Co-existing with the land, Vaka began to understand the land is not something to be conquered, but rather a symbiotic relationship that provides her space on the earth to stand firm in her Indigenous identity.   

“I feel so at peace. I’m in such a better space than I was four years ago that I can move forward with a lot of confidence, and without feeling like I’m going to lose myself in the process.